Market Update

OK, judging by the response both here and on Facebook, I’m correctly leaving Sprint.  Even though one friend said she thinks I should stick with them.  Fuck it.  If need be, I’ll go crawling back to them.  For now, however, I gotta get away from that evil company.

I went to pay my rent down at the Hillcrest Plaza in East Norriton.  Intending to venture to King of Prussia, I traversed the plaza parking lot to head down Swede Road.  Well, I noticed Metro PCS in the strip.  I pulled right over and went inside.  A friend recently ditched AT&T in favor of MetroPCS and, aside from shattering her screen on the floor at Starbucks, I think she’s happy with it so far.  Shit, cutting a phone bill in half will make me happy.  Period.

Inside, the sales rep nearly jumped out of his chair to greet me.  Must get boring in there…  I walked right up to ‘Shawn” and let him know I mean business.

“Hi.  I have Sprint and I fucking hate them.”

“OK,” he laughed.  He gave me that knowing look, but let me continue.  As long as I’m expressing my displeasure with my current captors, all Shawn has to do is sit back and let me talk myself into the sale.  Easy.

“Yeah, I hate my Blackberry and I pay a hundred and twenty-five a month.”

“Whaaaat?’  Shawn was incredulous.  He’d never heard such a thing, apparently.

“Yeah, I’m ready to dump them.”

Shawn proceeded to ask what I used my phone for, beyond making and taking telephone calls.  He’s good.  I informed him of my desire to have blazing fast internet, unlimited EVERYTHING, and—why the hell not—a better camera.  The camera on the Blackberry also blows.  He stopped me right there.

“I’m glad you said that.  Two things: we’re out of Blackberries and I have heard a lot of complaints about them.”

“I definitely don’t want another Blackberry.  Show me what you have here.”

“You got it.”

“Oh, one more thing,” I interjected.  “I need a phone that’s good for texting while driving.”

Shawn didn’t laugh.  He just gave me a disapproving look and went back into sales mode.

Smelling blood in the water, Shawn went into frenzy mode, busting out mad knowledge about a bunch of devices zip-corded to the wall.  I would only occasionally interrupt to voice my foul-mouth distaste of all things Sprint.  This merely fed the bloodthirst.  My man could taste the sale, the commission.  Honestly, I’m way beyond caring that someone is going to make whatever off me.  This guy helps me dispose of my phone and contract, he gets paid.  Yo.

Honestly, choosing a phone isn’t all that important.  As long as it does what I want, I don’t care what it’s called, who makes it, or what color it is.  All at $60 a month?  Fucking right!  He told me I’d need to have my account number and pin so he can transfer my number.  Yes, I’m keeping the Florida number.  It helps me sleep at night.  Since I don’t know that information off-hand, I went outside to call Sprint.  Shawn warned me that they’d pull their tactics.

I got in my car intending to head home and handle this.  Shawn had also informed me that retrieving any data, contacts, pictures, etc. might be difficult, as is the case with the Blackberry platform.  Fuckers.  Instead of driving off, I decided to call Sprint.  Big fucking mistake.

**No shit—As I typed the words “Big fucking mistake,” my Blackberry, which is resting on the table next to the laptop, fritzed the fuck out!  The entire screen went to static (picture: TV on no channel) and shut down.  I just turned it back on, but we’ll see if that works…

Anyway, jerks (Sprint, not you readers), I called customer service and promptly had to listen to weak ass attempts to retain my business.  What they failed to comprehend was FUCK THEM.  I hadn’t made that clear enough, but I still wasn’t going to resort to cursing and making an ass of myself.  I was going to handle this like an adult, hear them out, politely decline, and as if they would kindly eat a dick.  Kindly.  As Samantha, the account services manager, spewed useless facts about their cell-to-cell and nights-and-weekend features, I waited.  I spoke up as she paused for breath.

“I’m not interested in a plan that only offers me 450 minutes of landline calling.  It doesn’t suit my needs.”

“Oh, well you will still get unlimited cell-to-ce—”

“Samantha, I’m leaving you.”

Then, the bitch (assumption, total, on my part) went into fuck Rob mode.

“Then you’re going to have to pay your entire bill of one hundred fifty dollars and thirteen cents plus a fifty dollar contract termination fee.”

“Do I have to pay that before I cancel my service?”

“If not, it will probably go right to collections.”

Oh, well then fuck you too, Samantha. 

“I see.”  In reality, that’s fine.  I’ll just avoid those fuckers like the plague.  I’m a pro at that shit.  In a few months, they’ll take a twenty-dollar food stamp just so they can close the account.  I win.  “Yeah, I’m not paying that today.”

“You have a past due amount of thirteen dollars and thirteen cents.  Do you want to pay that?”

Holy shit, Samantha.  Is there a gun to your head?  Want I should call the po-leese?

“No.  I think I’ll let that ride as well.”  My patience waned…

Then, as I made my plea to just give me my account number and pin, Samantha made one more attempt to close the deal and keep me onboard.  I resisted.  The line went dead.  Either Samantha hung up on me, which is very poor service, or the fucking call was dropped!!!  Are you kidding me?  These people can’t get shit right.  And I loved it.

I called back a friend who’d called while I was wrangling with Sam (pet name, we grew close) and told her all about it.  She warned me that a lot of these smaller companies lose people after leaving Sprint.  She has Sprint and has never had a problem.  Though envious, I informed her that I was resolved to dump Sprint.  During my talk, I think Samantha tried calling back.  I ignored it.

Back inside, I told Shawn that I was going to go home, look into a few things, and would return tomorrow.  I’m pretty sure I’m going with MetroPCS.  Shawn was extremely helpful and knowledgable.  If anyone in my general area is in the market, I recommend you go see my man Shawn in the Hillcrest Plaza.

So I’m stuck for one more day.  I’m gonna figure out how to salvage as much data from the Blackberry as I can and make the move tomorrow.  Wish me luck.

Read.  Comment.  Subscribe.

Oh, the phone seems to be in working order for now…

One thought on “Market Update

  1. You’re too funny. Hang tough and stick to your guns, people down here with Blackberries don’t care for them either. Our cell phone bill is about $60 a month fot just phone (450 min) & unlimited text. On the other hand – you should ask Sam out! She might give you a really good deal!! Good luck getting what you want in a phone. To be honest there are too many choices to pick from.
    Hope you don’t lose your data … if you lose my number – just call me and I’ll give it to you …… hahahahahahahah!
    Later …. Dad

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