Humanity: Never Stood a Chance


I’m killing time before SNL comes on, right?  It’s a repeat, but Josh Brolin is hosting and if memory serves correct, there’s a skit entitled “The Californians” which is abso-friggin-lutely hi-fuckin-larious.  Find it somewhere online and watch it.  Then laugh.  So I’m flipping through the guide and I see the Syfy Channel is airing a film from 2010 called “Sharktopus.”  Syfy produces an entire series of new monster movies.  Most of the title creatures are hybrids of two or more fearsome-on-their-own animals.  When combined, they become pure awesomeness.

Long ago, the Japanese studios perfected the genre.  Godzilla stomped all over Tokyo starting in 1954, eating miniature power plant workers every Saturday on Channel 48.  We all remember the giant lizard with laser eyes and chilly breath.  Rodan, the flying monster, came about in 1956 and resembled a pterodactyl.  Then there was the giant moth, aptly named Mothra.  Released in 1961, the brand of terror unleashed by Mothra was unlike any previous in that the giant bug had a very child-like quality, and her battle scenes had an air of fantasy to them.  Gamera, the giant turtle, arrived in Japan in 1965.

Of course, popular monster films like King Kong and Mighty Joe Young came from American studios, as well as flicks like The Blob and Attack of the 50 Foot Woman.  But the Japanese films were the true cult classics.  In recent years, lost-footage films like Cloverfield and Super 8 became monster-movie game-changers.  You know how I feel about game changers…

All the above serves to bolster the monster film genre.  The market for such entertainment will never diminish.  Humans have an appetite for mass destruction and near-extinction—make believe, of course…(right?).  What I can’t seem to grasp through all of this, however, is how it took humanity until 2010 to produce the newest legendary monster movie: motherfuckin’ Sharktopus.  I mean, if it took us, as a collective, this long to manifest such a bad ass creature, I truly believe that we’ll never endure the coming alien apocalypse.  I doubt we deserve to.

So, in the meantime before humankind is eradicated by some supercritter villain, I’m just going to sit back and enjoy the masterpieces put out by Syfy…  Don’t worry.  I’m taking notes on how to survive.

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Just had a thought:  My newest “How I Lost My Arm” story—Sharktopus attack.

2 thoughts on “Humanity: Never Stood a Chance

    • More proof of the dumbing down of our once-great nation: The notion that viewers might mispronounce SciFi “skiffy.” But you gotta admit, their movies are so amazingly cheesy; they make hardly any attempt whatsoever to take themselves seriously.

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