Dabutcha's Blog

March 25, 2015

Won’t Be Needing That Anymore

Filed under: Celebrity,death,existence,Free Speech,Health,Journalism,Society — thabutcha @ 11:04 PM

Gonna come right out and say it: Fuck orange; preemptive surgery is the new black.

Angelina Jolie Cancer Story

Forked tongues, untie!

That’s right, folks.  The new thing emerging from Hollywood is having shit removed from your body before it becomes a problem.  Perhaps I should have had my fucks surgically removed years ago, because that shit is useless. No matter how hard I try to give one, I just can’t seem to find a fuck worth giving.

All jokes aside, and by aside I mean included, Angelina Jolie should be eating a fat D right about now.  After learning that she had inherited the BRCA1, or Breast Cancer, gene mutation, she had a double mastectomy last November.  The gene was most likely passed down through her mother; her mom passed at age 56 with ovarian cancer, as did her maternal grandmother.  Though the likelihood was high that Jolie could expect an identical diagnosis before long, I don’t know how to feel about her action.

I’m well-aware that my opinion on what a mega-celebrity with cash enough to make God dance like an organ-grinding monkey does with her body is statistically useless as fuck.

At the time of her elective surgery, Jolie was hailed as a heroine; a champion of women’s health awareness.  Sure, I’ll buy that.  People were talking of getting tested and that’s never a bad thing.  Except…

This morning the newsworld again buzzed with word that Queenjolie elected to have an oophorectomy prior to falling victim to ovarian cancer.  Prior to diagnosis, even.

And the medical crowd goes wild…

A story in The Daily Beast lauds Jolie as a “Science Hero” for showing the world how a responsible woman protects her body.

Because she had her ovaries removed, Jolie will now receive hormone therapy to replace the estrogen produced therein.  Which increases her risk of breast canc—oh, yeah.  She has breasts no longer.  Talk about potentially dodging a potential bullet.  Huh?

So, her breasts and her ovaries are outside of her body and therefore pose no threat of harboring cancer; fallopian tubes, as well.  Preemptively peaced-out on purpose, to prevent potential problems.  P.

She’s brave, I’ll concede.

The message, however, is a bit murky to my logic.  Get tested and then remove probable problem areas.  Sure, if insurance covers it.  Does it?  From what I understand, the government acted to reduce the costs of BRCA1 and BRCA2 testing.  Bra-vo, Miss Jolie.

What about insurance?  Does it cover elective surgery?  Most insurance companies would scoff at the idea of paying for a procedure that eliminates something that might not happen.  Honestly, having one’s plumbing removed is slighty more expensive than, say, the Silver Sneakers program.  They’ll reimburse a gym membership if it means paying less in rehab costs, sure.  Shelling out thousands for elective surgery?  Not so much.

Where does this leave the average American woman?  The one who works in cubicles near mine, or yours?  The one who serves me steak and potatoes at my local cow-and-spud-eatery?  These ladies likely can’t afford such costly tests and in-case surgeries.  If they’re lucky enough to have coverage, are they truly “covered” for such scenarios?

All the awareness in the world isn’t going to force behemoth insurers to loosen their grip on hard-earned premiums and profits.  Education is fantastic and can trump all else.  Eventually.  But to elevate Angelina to angelic strata is misguided.  Having her ovaries removed is the equivalent to having her lips filled with whatever they’re filled with.  It’s cosmetic to her; preemptive surgery looks good on Angelina Jolie because she’s famous and rich.  It wouldn’t look so great on Angel and Julia and Tina and Debbie and any other “normal” woman who ain’t married to Brad Pitt.  At least, not according to Anthem and Aetna and Highmark and United Health.

We’re so quick to label someone a hero.  Yet Jolie said something that sticks out as antithetical to her supposed heroism.  Having lost her ovaries, Jolie will not produce estrogen naturally.  She will enter premature menopause, as she will no longer menstruate or be able to bear children.  Hence, hormone treatments.  Menopause will cause physical changes, a fact on which Jolie commented that she feels “at ease with whatever will come, not because I am strong but because this is a part of life.”  Angelina Jolie, cancer is a physical change and a part of life, yet you were not so at ease with that, huh? 

Smacks of lookatmeitis.  Maybe she should be tested for the gene responsible for needing attention…

And now, Kelly Osborne says that she supports Jolie and will likely have similar preemptive procedures done.  Kelly fucking Osborne?  Didn’t she just quit her job on a useless channel for something someone else said about someone else?

What the fuck is going on in our world?!?!

Angelina Jolie is getting her lady parts yanked.  Ozzy Osborne’s daughter has a viable social position that makes the news.  And Bill Cosby is a sickfuckrapist.

I feel like I went to sleep and never woke up and this is all a bizarre dream—er, nightmare.  I’m waiting for Angelina to admit she’s a Reptilian and then shed her skin to reveal an asexual lizard that shoots venom from its eyes.  It’s the only explanation that makes sense.

A more reasonable explanation is that money talks, walks, and gets air time.  The rest of us are fucked.  In related news, I still can’t find a better job.

Coincidence or conspiracy?

What say you, Angelizard Jolizard?

As always, thanks for reading!

Comment, share, read again…

Who needs a better job when you have all this, anyway?

January 8, 2015

Je Sui Charlie. We have to be bold and never give in to threats of any kind.


Je Sui Charlie

It takes balls to be funny.

The events in Paris prove that the world faces an enemy that takes its mission seriously.  Perhaps it’s time we free people do the same.  Not only must we rebel against Islamic terror groups, but also against those individuals and institutions which aim to stifle our freedom of expression and deny us our birthright.  Our minds ought remain free of any and all influence which looks to stamp out the very desire to explore, to share.  Our lives are ours to make what we want of them.  Yes, its contradictory to say I want to eradicate the opponents of freedom–because true freedom allows for its own oppression; at least the efforts to oppress it.  Islamic extremists, megacorporations, totalitarian governments, et al. enjoy the same right to exist as everyone else.  Problem is, they want to control and/or destroy the rest of us.  What a conundrum.

The cartoon above incited riots and acts of terror; pure evil.  I’m posting it because fuck that.  Granted, I’m not likely to change anyone’s viewpoints.  I just want to stand with the people who died and the people who must continue in the shadow of this tragedy.  Here’s to letting the light shine again, maybe even a bit brighter this time.

Thanks for stopping by.  Read.  Comment.  Subscribe.

January 7, 2015

Top Ten Signs the World is a Fucked Up Place with Little to No Chance of Ever Getting Any Better. At Least Not Soon.


1. Gluten.
With all the strife and what have you in, like, Kosovo or wherever, it’s like totally crazy that we still have gluten.  When are the Big Bread Manufacturers (Hello, Monsanto? Can you say GMO?  Like, OMG.) going to realize that the world can’t get anything done if it’s constantly having serious GI issues?  Like, for real.  If all I do is shit, then I can’t do shit.  It’s time we ended our gluten dependence and maybe we won’t have to invade North Korea.

2. Ignorance.
If anyone were to conduct research into the level of stupid in the world, we’d need someone to interpret it.  Oh, that’s right, this study is already being conducted.  It’s called market research and it’s compiling data and grouping it on a never-ending platform from which our lives will be dictated in the near future.  No joke.  Everything we do is already being monitored and aggregated so that companies and governments will be able to predict behaviors; everything from buying patterns and brand preference to fetishistic tendencies and likelihood to commit crimes–we are being labelled.  Willingly.

3. Facebook.
In fact, all of Social Media is a cry for help.  Whether you’re a greaseball on Tinder or a soccer mom on Pinterest, you’re essentially begging for recognition.  And if you’re on social media but not “active” in your participation, then you, my friend, are the new stalker.  The silent spectator.  The huntsman (or huntress) of hyperspace.  You’re a creep.  But that’s just it: we’re all creeps.  We look in on this person and that, gauging our lives by what others are doing or saying.  Let’s face it, people are just as boring as they were in the ’70s; they’re just boring and online.  Yet, we arrive in droves–at all hours of the day, checking ourselves in and checking on our “friends.”  We demand privacy and then throw it back like a finless minnow that happened to catch the hook.  “Privacy?  We can’t eat this.”  Kerplunk.

4. Football.
I’m a football fan.  Strategy, camaraderie, territory.  Football reflects the barbarous nature of man in its most basic form–I want what’s yours and I’m going to take it.  It’s said that competition is healthy and I don’t disagree.  Without it, survival would be irrelevant.  At least, that’s what my very human brain believes.  What’s the fun of living another day if I don’t have to overcome something in order to do so? The sport becomes Apocalyptic when a husky governor displays his allegiance and it’s considered breaking news.  I, myself, wrote “Fuck Christie” on my Facebook wall (timeline, whatthefuckever).  In fact, what prompted me to include football in this list was hearing a coworker say “how bout them Cowboys?” as she walked by.  There’s so very much wrong with that, I was instantly pissed off and wanted to shout special obscenities in her direction.  Football.

5. Music.
How our ears don’t have a perpetual stream of blood and brain matter leaking from them is a mystery to me.  Considering the absolute garbage that we feed them, our hearing organs might well retaliate at some point.  Ke$ha sounds like if herpes and the clap had a baby and it cried on autotune.  “Wah-ah-ah-ah-ah yeahhhhh penises and shots.”  Li’l Wayne used to be a rapper.  True story.  I know I sound like that old dude who swears that real music died decades ago because I’m old and can’t keep up.  And that would be correct.  However, the music industry by and large is still feeding us loads and loads of shit while true artists languish in obscurity.  Sad fact is, worthwhile music is being made; we just can’t hear it.

6. Mass Shootings.
Wait, what?  Yes, I’m being serious here.  Our society has become a first-person shooter video game.  Every day, the media bombards us with images and sounds from the latest incident and we gleefully absorb it into the collective conscious. Murder’s a part of life.  We are to accept this and to wait until we enter the wrong McDonald’s or cut off the wrong old lady in traffic or offend the wrong god.  Just today, 12 people were killed in France at the same newspaper that printed a cartoon.  A fucking cartoon.  Cops are being killed while sitting in their cruisers, drinking coffee, and awaiting their next life-or-death interaction.  It’s all fun and games until it isn’t.

6. Agendas.
Conservative or Liberal.  Democrat or Republican.  Black or White.  Oral or anal.  Everyone is right and everyone is wrong and they’re fighting over who is who.  Not a moment passes that we aren’t saturated with the opinions of anyone with a phone, a keyboard, or a megaphone.  What do we want?  Peace!  When do we want it?  As soon as we’re done screaming that we want peace!  Big business wants us to spend all of our money; big banking wants us to save it; big government wants to take it; and big religion wants us to donate it all to them.  It’s not “money, power, respect.”  It’s “money, power, fear, control.”  The world is too loud with meaningless noise trying to tell me how to think and I’m fucking sick of it.

7. Food.
See also, Agendas.  And Gluten.  And Ignorance.  Yesterday, Danielle and I drank smoothies that contained watercress, spinach, carrots, mint, grapes, and pears.  While that sounds healthy–and it certainly was a healthy alternative–we have no way of knowing exactly what went into the growing of the plants we drank.  Pesticides and petroleum products galore all likely contributed to our smoothies and some of these chemicals made their way into my NutriBullet.  Across the globe, individuals eat a nutritionally devoid diet and have no idea why or why it’s killing them.

8. Environmentalism.
Humanity has so fucked up its host organism that wars are waged over its protection or lack thereof.  Greenhouse deniers engage eco-terrorists in word skirmishes and physical confrontations and sabotage of varying degrees.  I sincerely doubt that cliques of ticks clash upon the family dog’s back because one side says they are killing the dog while the other claims the dog is going through its natural cycles. Parasites don’t normally argue over the host; they just suck and suck until there’s nothing left.  Humanity is an amplified virus, a Biosafety Level 4 agent.  No amount of debate, no number of conferences will change that.  If we’re lucky, we’ll find a new host before our current home rejects us.

9. Hipsters.
Being cool is no longer cool.  It’s much cooler to be uncool.  But don’t try to hard; that’s not cool at all.  Just don’t be too uncool, because you’ll run the risk of becoming cool and therefore undoing all your uncoolness and you’ll be thrust into the uncomfortable position of defending your uncoolness, which is actually rather cool.  A slut wearing glasses is still a slut and a stain who has a beard is still a stain.  A guy could wear flannel condoms and still be mainstream.  “I, like, don’t even shave my balls.  That’s so desperate.  I rock a 70s bush and I love it.”  Whatever, Levi.  Your mom named you after the jeans she shed in the back of your dad’s bio-diesel Volkswagen.  At least he had a philosophy.

10. Top 10 Lists.
When a late night bit gets passed off for real journalism, the countdown has begun.  As I pursued a writing career, I encountered many online news outlets that were hiring freelance contributors.  Exploring more deeply, I found that the majority of the contributions were lists of interests and opinions.  What the fuck?  News is not news anymore; it’s entertainment.  How else could you explain Fox News’ Cavalcade of Opinionated Blonde Bimbos?  Media companies realize that nobody cares what’s going on in the world unless they’re being told by a babe in a short skirt.  And then, we only care enough to watch the car commercials in between tit shots.  Oh, and the car commercials will also have tit shots.  Because god forbid two minutes pass without tits flashing on the television screen.  Where was I?  Oh, yeah.  Top tens. Sorry, I’m easily distracted by shiny objects and boobs.  Just ask Danielle…  my Perfect Ten!

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